goodbyes again

i am not sure how many more fridays i can take. boy, they are brutal. today was especially hard on the boys in this family.all four of them. we are wrecked. ruined. broken-hearted. before we left america, we asked over and over again for G to break our hearts with the things that break His heart. we are sure and certain that orphans are very close to His heart. and now, more than ever before, they are very close to ours. 

jimmy and stewart were so tender and open in our last day as a family. one of my highlights was looking over and seeing aidan and stew with their hands intertwined, stroking each other. it was one of the most precious moments of my life. really. i feel so grateful that we have the opportunity to share this amazing and mind-bending, life-changing and heart stretching experience with our children. i can never express here (esp without using certain words!) what He has shown us--so much that matters to Him. even though i have mixed feeling that my children have had to experience so much sadness, i am so glad that it is because they have known such love and joy this week. 

as we were holding each other and comforting one another by talking to our Father together, it occurred to me with sudden sorrow that no one was consoling those precious boys as the bus drove away. stewart shared that is was the happiest time of his life. he said he was so proud to be a part of our big family. we told him that we would always keep him close in our hearts and we would consider him a son to us. he is welcome in our home, our hearts, our lives. we shared the same with jimmy but he was not as outwardly receptive. but he too was soaking it all in. his tears as he drove away told us more than his words had. 

we can do nothing to fix this situation. nothing. all the money in the world can't help these boys. their loss is great. their lives are narrow. i am helpless to DO anything to fix it all. 

but really, we can do  everything that really matters--we can talk to the Father of the fatherless. He loves stewart and jimmy even more than we can possibly imagine. and we can entrust them to His care. He CAN fix anything. there is nothing too difficult for Him. not even these boy's sorrow-filled stories. i am not going to say that loving these kids is easy--it IS absolutely easy to fall in love with their affectionate souls, their big grins, their charming ways--but it is not simple to let yourself surrender to love that is dangerous. poured out. stretched to its farthest limits. reminds me of those nail-scarred Hands. 

we are wrecked. ruined. aidan was beside himself with grief over not being able to bring stewart home with us. when we left we told them Wo Hi Ne. which means " i love you". we had spent the week showing it. we will spend the rest of our days asking the Father to prove it to them and bring them into our forever family. maybe not on earth.

BMH offers many opps for debriefing and processing the "what next?", "what do i DO with all this?" with questions and sharing times. it makes the whole week very emotional. and meaningful. but again, i can't pretend to tell you really what is going on over here in china. i don't think i ever can. we have gotten more than we have given. and i will never be the same.